another day, another strip search... dejavu?

so here i am again. its weird. it actually hit me when i was flying into tel aviv, i saw it from the mediterranean, and i said to myself "oh shit, i am here again. what the hell am i doing?" really, thats what i thought. i found myself breathing hard, wondering what was in store for me through security, wondering if i was going to get in, or how, and so many other things.

the trip over was pleasant - i was miraculously bumped up to first class from portland to dc, so that was very cool. i mean comfortable. but it still felt weird there. i wanted to tell the serving staff that they didnt have to treat me like a rich young guy, but it was no use. and it was weird, because i felt their disdain. or was it jealousy? either way i was uncomfortable because i felt like there was no reason they should treat me any better, but since i was "first class"...

carrying my luggage was a good idea, and so it was all there when i got to tel aviv. walking through the airport, trying to calm myself down, but my heart was already beating so damn hard. not fast, my breathing was slow, but myheart was pumping out of my fancy new vest. quite literally i could see my heart beating through my shirt, and it wasnt going to take a fancy interrogator to figure out i was nervous. so i get through the line, and i find myself feeling like, for just a moment, that i might just be able to get right through. the customs lady smiled at me, even made a joke, which is not what i am used to. then she looked for a while at the computer screen and asked me to step aside, for security reasons. then i knew it was too good to be true. one more hurdle, maybe, and i will be through. so they take me aside to the same room as last year, in fact i recognize the same young woman as last year and i almost comment on it but decide its better not to. i sit down in a small room filled with arabs and one mexican. this makes me laugh, because he doesnt speak english and i offer to translate but no one is really happy about that idea. here we are, in quiet indignation at being set aside for being profiled. meanwhile my heart continues to beat so fucking hard. i mean i couldnt do anything to get it to chill out. they had taken my passport and all myluggage, and my heart was all i felt i had left. it was strange, almost like it was a beacon or some weird pulsating light in a lighthouse that was searching for help or something, and it was intense. but my breathing remained calm. i looked at my wrists, and i could see my heart bursting at my pulse, and it was showing all the way across my wrist. no fucking way to hide it. there was no way to hide my heart beating so hard.i wonder if that means i lose minutes or years of my life or something. i thought about it and it didnt change anything.
then the tallest, thinnest security guard came over and asked me a few questions. he was a kind man, sympathetic features. something about him was so nice, like a person who i might hang out with under other circumstances. but he had kind eyes for me today. i thought that maybe it would be him that would just let me through. but then two others came over, then they left, then two different ones, then they left, all asking questions. more waiting. people came in and out of the room, no one was really questioned like me, or made to wait. it was more a formality for them, probably expected, and just tradition for security to hold someone as hastle protocol just for having an arab name.

then they came and told me to follow them, i knew where, i had been there last year, to the secret room that has no doors where they would ask me lots of questions. sure enough thats where i went. into the corner of the airport where nothing else was and into a room where there were several others waiting to ask me things. and i am still nervous, but not really. its just my damn heart that wont stop beating so fast. actually, i think that it considerably slowed down after talking to that tall guy, he was so nice, and just starting to interact with people without being ordered around was centering. anyway, into the room. they took my bags to be screened, then took me to a room where i was stripped and searched. the unpleasantries i am familiar with. this time the guy wouldnt look me in the eyes, i could tell he was uncomfortable with his job at the moment, and i felt sorry for him. i wanted to tell him that i wasnt pissed at him. but i couldnt. i just slowly and gently did all the things that he asked me to do.

then they took me back to my luggage and asked my to open the two bags i had brought. there was some anticipation which i quickly understood. they had passed the bags through the x-ray machine and a whole bunch of very weird stuff popped up. one girl opened my doctor bag and said "oh! they are bears!" well, she said it in hebrew, but i understood, because everybody came over to peek inside. just like little kids, they were all kind of excited about all the neat things in my bag. ear seeds, acupuncture needles, herbal plasters, tinctures, powdered herbs, patent formulas in pill form, with chinese everywhere. and 17 OCOM squishy black and white bears, you know, like the stress ball consistency. i brought them as gifts for kids or to practice needling for people. but the security officers in that moment became children. and i had to smile. they were looking through the bag like little kids, and then realized that they had to question me. so the head guy came over with a bear and as stern as he possibly could yelled "What is this? What are you doing with this bear? Why do you have so many bears?" The situation did not lend itself to intimidation. i kinda smiled and said they are presents, for kids. and he just said, oh. he came back with the next ammo, a pack of ear seeds. and in as threatening a voice he could muster, he stared at me at said "what is this? seeds? what kind of seeds? are you going to be PLANTING!" very ominous of course. i explained that they were for the ears, and showed him a chart in my bag, and he continued down his intense line of questioning "where do they GO! ALL over the ear, or just PARTS!" he emphasized different areas of the ear. he was trying to squeeze some sort of intimidation out of this lime. and i told him what they were for, and if he had back pain i could try it out on him. i think he tried hard then not to smile.

so they kept looking through all my stuff but i had won. i made them children. every square inch of me and my stuff was handled by the israeli security. prying, suspicious, fearful hands groped and handled literally every inch of everything. every page of every paper, every lining of every collar, even the panda bears were subjected to the metal scanners individually. but it didnt phase me. i could feel violated and tainted, but i choose to take their childish curiosity as the residue, not those other effects. i could see their struggle, and it was nice to be able to see them as children. may their good-hearted touch they had on all those things be carried on to the next owners and may it continue inspire me on this trip.

then i met sigal, a friend of ruthie's, who is incredibly generous. i arrive at her house in jaffa for the night, she offers me a shower, fruit, and cooks me dinner. a wonderful woman with a sparkling laugh. she works with orphans and is a mother for everyone and everything she can be. she is also the one who was the intended recipient of the package i sent weeks ago, yet to arrive. a package with the makings for establishing an PTSD treatment program. sigal went and purchased needles here in tel aviv, even before i arrived, just in case. so incredibly kind. sadly i think i may have to decline the needles, because 3000 needles here costs about $180, in comparison with $45 in the US. so i dont know. i have some needles, and i will move on to ramallah tomorrow where dr sehwail is waiting, and excited, and he wants to go through with the workshop anyway, and i am happy to be there, learning, participating, and observing. sigal has offered to give me a ride to jerusalem tomorrow, which is saturday, a day of rest and all the busses are not running. i think i will take her up on it. thats it for now, more to come, certainly. peace