"i burn for this"

the frightening thing about ramallah is that it almost seems like the occupation isnt happening. you see no soldiers in the streets, people are shopping, there are fancy stores, ice cream, nice houses, new cars. people are more relaxed here than in the other cities like jenin or nablus. but then you see the tank tracks left from 2002, the destroyed sidewalks never repaired, the pictures of martyrs everywhere. and you cant leave. dr sahweil took me to his home to have tea and on the way he said look there, in the distance, just on the other side of that wall, you can see jerusalem. where his family lives, whom he hasnt been able to visit since the second intifada. nobody with a west bank id card can go there. its a cage.

over tea mahmoud tells me what he has been working on over the past year. 198 people have died at checkpoints while trying to cross for health reasons. a crime against humanity and international law. over the past ten years he has visited 322 prisons to see palestinian detainees as a psychologist, documenting the instances of torture and trying to bring some relief to his people there. as we walk home he points out that four out of every ten men i see have been in jail at least once. and that once in jail, 98% are suffer torture. dr sehwail wait for hours, often up to twelve, outside the prisons while awaiting approval. a gentle man in his 60s, with a sweet smile and soft hands of a doctor. and he says that the waiting is part of the torture. the israelis love to make you wait, and in the waiting you become afraid. this is psychological torture. the torture in prisons is compounded upon the daily trauma of the occupation - checkpoints, invasions, closure, random house searches, the list goes on. generational trauma, he explains, and i know what he means because earlier i was talking to farsoud who laughingly recalls a conversation she had last night with her mother. she asked her mother, do you ever think that we will have our own country? and her mother said, well i never have, and my father never had, and his father either. you dont, your children probably wont, who knows? then she laughed again. generational trauma. the accumulation of trauma passed from one generation to another, where children are born into a cage and will die there, their only concept of freedom a distant intellectual one.

the training today went exceptionally well. completely different than was planned by the organizers, but nevertheless an amazing experience for all those involved. it was a shy group at first, impressive in their professional and life experience. 14 people, 8 women and 6 men, representing community health centers from nablus, jenin, ramallah, jerusalem, and hebron. ages 27 to 69. all of them with eyes bursting with excitement about a new technique that could bring relief to their patients. all of them work with victims of torture and trauma. at first people were a bit slow getting into things, but very soon it picked up. the popular education stuff was a bit strange for people, but the trainers adjusted very quickly (after two minutes) and radically changed the approach but still managed to make it highly interactive. this is when people started asking questions left and right, a wonderful sign that people were intrigued. the training ranged from everywhere from the history of the five needle protocol to potential applications, to chinese medical theory including emotional and physical associations with the various organs. a wonderful day. after twenty minutes i asked one trainee how she was feeling about all the information and she turned quickly and looked me in the eye and said "i burn for this" as she clutched her heart. i will never forget that moment. she found something that she saw as incredibly useful. by the time people were first opening their packets of needles she was already threading a needle through all three headache points.

when the group first recieved the five needle protocol it was incredible, and i think that it really shaped the way that even the serious biomedical skeptics felt about the treatment. instant relaxation. of course there was discussion about why am i feeling so relaxed, is it working on my nerve pathways, or is it because of the proximity to the brain... the standard questions, but everyone was so pleased afterwards, all smiles, and the training continued into more specific point for various disorders that their patients have. headache, insomnia, sexual disfunction, pain everywhere, fatigue, etc. and no information was too much for them, they were just soaking everything up like sponges. incredible. and afterwards there was a little speech given by the trainers, saying how proud they were of everyone, because it was truly incredible the ground covered in one day. in fact, two days were effectively consolidated into one, and they still wanted more, but the trainers were tired.

after the training everybody went to dinner together. wonderful conversation around the table, about my history, about people,s lives, and great food. dr mahmoud was sitting next to me and kept scooping food of all kinds onto my plate without asking. just pushing more and more onto it, saying eat eat. i just couldnt stop smiling. the incredible kindness and generosity. we went to a restaurant, everyone together, and on the way home i was going to go a separate way than everyone else, and dr mahmoud said we will all walk with you to your house. which was completely out of the way of everyone else, but happily everyone insisted that they walk me home. you are in palestine, this is your family, of course we will walk you home. i have no words for that moment.

i have invitations to go to nablus and jenin and hebron, i am not sure if i will be able to go to all three on this trip. tomorrow i will see abed, my dear friend, and we will have coffee. i think on wednesday i will go to his village for a day and see his clinic that they are building, and then maybe thursday i will go to jenin. on the way back to ramallah (i actually just wrote "on the way home" and had to go back and erase it...strange) i might stop through nablus, even though that city scares me more than any other. rashad told me that things in jenin right now are very bad, there is such a severe military presence, so he wants me to go there to visit his center. it seems like a good idea. he is 27, just like me, recently married. such a nice guy. he invited me to stay at his house, so i think i have to accept. anyway, these plans are definitely changeable, and are likely to change. i still have to go to east jerusalem and then to the kibbutz to see friends there. its a tough balance between visiting friends and doing more work.

tomorrow the training will continue, and will likely be the last day, unless the trainers decide that its not enough. i think it probably will be, it seems like people are ready to go out there and start their own PTSD treatment programs in each of their cities. they are very excited, and so am i. well, here i am, typing again at midnight after another 19 hour day, and likely to continue on that pace, but somehow i dont feel tired. there is a peace here, for me, inside, that is different. its like my soul gets nourished even though everything around me seems so dry, like a cactus thriving in the desert. i wonder if thats why i have spikes? well friends, i am sure this is plenty to keep you busy for now, i will try to get photos tomorrow of the training. my phone number here is 0526265308 so call me if you want, its ten hours ahead west coast, i think. or maybe nine. anyway, i am thinking about you all, and i hope you are all also well. salaam